Hannah is sitting opposite a casting director in an office reading lines for an audition. Lola and Robby are sitting on the couch watching.
HANNAH
I thought I meant something to you Eddie! But if you give up now you're not just giving up on yourself ... you're giving up on us!
HOWARD GOLDWASSER
(drained; expressionless) You think I don't know that. You think this isn't tearing me apart inside. Arr ....
HANNAH
Then hang on Eddie! Hang on to the life that we could have together!
HOWARD
But the water is so cold Joannie ... I can't feel my legs. Brrr...
HANNAH
(drops her script) I'm sorry. I just ... I just need a second to get back into character. You know, so I can give back everything you're giving me.
HOWARD
I did sense you were holding back.
HANNAH
That's why you're the best casting director in town! (she rolls on her seat over to Lola and Robby) He's killing me.
ROBBY
Just calm done honey.
HANNAH
Calm down? How am I supposed to convince Rob Reiner one of the top directors in Hollywood that I'm right for the part if I'm auditioning with a cross between Shiya La-boring and Tom Snooze.
LOLA
(laughs) Hahaha. Or, Leonardo Decarmitoz and Snorlando Bloom! Hahaha! (Hannah roles her eyes) I laughed at yours!
ROBBY
I got an idea, darling. Excuse me, Howard. (starts pushing Hannah back) Would it be alright if I read the lines with Hannah one time? You know, it might just make her a bit more comfortable.
HOWARD
But can you deliver the lines with the same passion I do?
HANNAH
That's a risk I'm willing to take.
HOWARD
OK then. (Robby takes a seat opposite Hannah) Action.
HANNAH
Then hang on Eddie. Hang on to the life we could have together.
ROBBY
But the water is so cold Joannie. I can't feel my leg. Shivers.
Hannah looks away at Lola and rolls her eyes.
ROBBY
Ar, I'm sorry, who's Shivers? Is that my (----) name for you, or something, cause it feels like such a weird time that I'd be saying it knowing that my leg would be ...
HANNAH
Daddy! You're supposed to be shiver there.
ROBBY
Oh, OK. Give me one more try please.
HOWARD
And ... action!
HANNAH
Then hang on Eddie! Hang on to the life we could have together.
ROBBY
Oh. But the water is so cold Joannie. I can't feel my legs. (shivers) Shiver!
HANNAH
Lola! Maybe you should read with me. (she chucks Lola Robby's script)
LOLA
Eeep!
ROBBY
It was the shivers, wasn't it? This stupid red light made me nervous!
Robby and Lola switch seats.
LOLA
Are you sure you want me to ...
HANNAH
Lola, just read the line and for the love of pig give me something to work with!
HOWARD
OK, Let's make some magic.
Hannah rolls her eyes.
HANNAH
Then hang on Eddie. Hang on to the life that we could have together.
LOLA
(speaks in an over-dramatic voice) But the water! It's sooo .... cold! J-j-j-joannie! I can't feel my legs! Brrbrrrbrr! (Lola falls to the floor shivering)
Hannah walks over to Howard.
HANNAH
What about you and me from the top, one more time, what do you say?
Howard gives her a thumbs up to signal yes.
***
OPENING CREDITS
starring MILEY CYRUS
EMILY OSMENT
MITCHELL MUSSO
JASON EARLES
MOISES ARIAS
and BILLY-RAY CYRUS
"HANNAH MONTANA"
***
Miley is sitting at the desk in the Stewart living room looking down at her mobile phone and the home phone, waiting impatiently for the casting director to call.
MILEY
Come on, come on, come on, come, on!
ROBBY
Mile, you just auditioned an hour ago!
MILEY
Yeah, but it's Rob Reiner! Princess Bride, When Harry met Sally and now his directing the next raiders! Can't you just see it? Hannah Montana is 'Indiana Joannie'!
ROBBY
Hey, I am hooting for you to darling, but you just gotta relax. He probably hasn't even seen your audition tape yet.
MILEY
Yeah, you're right. (puts phones down) I probably won't hear till Monday. And besides - I'm Hannah Montana. Life is good. (she paces into the kitchen with her father) I've got an amazing career. If I get it, then I get it. And If I don't then ...
As she is about to bite into an apple, the home phone rings.
MILEY
Out of my way old man!
Miley drops her apple and jumps past her father, Robby's breakfast cereal spilling all over the floor. She grabs the home phone as she jumps and lies down next to the couch.
MILEY
Hello? Listen, I really need to keep this line open, I promise I'll save the dolphins tomorrow. Buh-bye. (she hangs up the line and looks down at both the phones again) Come on, come on, come on, come on!
***
Miley is sitting on the couch in the living room, her hair a mess, yawning and unable to speak. She is still holding her phones.
MILEY
(tired) Come on, come on. Come on!
***
Later on, Miley seems to be asleep on the couch holding the phone in her hand. Jackson sneaks up with the whipped cream can and sprays some across it; he then takes out his phone and dials the number of the house phone. As it rings, Miley awakens and splats it back on Jackson's face.
MILEY
Hahaha! Even in my sleep I'm smarter than you.
Miley licks some of the cream off the phone.
***
The next day, Lily walks into the locker corridor and sees band troupes gathering together. She is soon followed by Miley, who is holding up her phone trying to get a better signal.
LILY
Miley!
MILEY
(in reference to her phone) Two bars ... one bar, one bar! Oh no, one bar!
LILY
Will you put that away! We're here for Oliver. Sure, it's just an audition to play at the school dance, but this means as much to him as the movie does to you.
MILEY
(still loitering around with her phone) Yeah, you're right, I'm totally here for him ... (leans over trash can) Four bars! Yes!! (Lily looks at her) What? Can't support him from behind this trash can?
Lily drags her into the audition room.
MILEY
One bar!! Nooo!
LILY
Hi Oliver!
OLIVER
What's up guys? You know thank you so much for being here. I can't believe how nervous I am.
LILY
Oh don't worry you gonna do great!
MILEY
Yeah! And you know what, here's a ... here's an idea. Let's make sure the sound travels well, so you know what, I'm gonna, I'm gonna go stand in the hall, you know - (she attempts to walk off, Lily drags her back) Maybe just by that trash can, right underneath it ...
Mr. Meadows, the judge, has been sitting on the seat in the audience listening in.
MR MEADOWS
Oiken. You ready?
OLIVER
Yes sir.
LILY
Go get them!
MILEY
You're gonna do great! (as Oliver walks back on stage Miley is still transfixed on her phone) Two bars! One bar! (she positions herself behind Lily) Oh mud crunkies!
OLIVER
I need a kick drum. A guitar now. And a bass line. And I'm gonna show you how. How to rock, how to dance, how to get down! All I need is a piano in my track now! Throw your hands, throw your hands, throw your hands up! Whoa! Whoa! Cause you can't, cause you can't, cause you can't stop!
LILY
Wow, he is really good!
MILEY
(still playing with her phone) Yeah. Great.
As Oliver continues to sing, Miley walks up on the stage holding her phone up in the air, in attempt to get a greater signal.
Back in the audience, Mr. Meadows is shaking to the tune.
LILY
Hey, Mr. Meadows is liking it to! (she looks and sees that Miley is no longer beside her) Miley? (sees Miley on stage) Miley!
Lily sneaks up behind the stage and taps Miley on the back. Miley realizes that she is on the stage and signals for 'one second'. Lily jumps on stage and positions herself and Miley so as it looks like they are waving their hands. As they get to the end of the stage, Miley seems to get a greater signal, but Lily pushes her off.
***
At Rico's Shack, Rico walks over to the beach shack counter.
RICO
Yow, Jackson. (Jackson is not behind the counter) Where is that dumbie?
A ventriloquist's dummy pops up from behind the counter, Franklin. (who was last seen in season 1's "Schooly Bully)
JACKSON
I prefer the term, "Wooden American"
Jackson pops up.
RICO
And I prefer the term, "you're fired". (Pause) What you doing with that thing anyway?
JACKSON
Earning three hundred bucks. I'm the entertainment at Duggy Sorbone's birthday party. (puts on dummy voice) You're the entertainment? I'm the entertainment! Without me you're just a hand! Oh! Well, could just a hand do this? (Jackson chugs a bottle of water down the Franklin's mouth) She'll be coming round the mountain when she comes! She'll be coming round the mountain when she comes. She'll be coming round the mountain when she comes!
RICO
(astounded) They're paying you three hundred dollars for this? Wow, Duggy Sorbone's gonna learn about disappointment at a very early age.
JACKSON
I wasn't finished yet. Franklin, say 'argh'.
Jackson, in his dummy voice, screams out 'argh' and water comes spraying out of Franklin's mouth and onto Rico's annoyed face.
JACKSON
Hehehehe!
***
Miley, Lily and Oliver are sitting on the couch in the Stewart's house. Oliver and Miley are looking at their phones impatiently waiting for them to ring. Lily is sitting beside them, bored.
MILEY / OLIVER
Come on, come on, come on, come on!
LILY
(annoyed) Come on, come on, come on! (starts pacing around) Are we going to spend the entire weekend waiting to see if - (turns to Miley) you got the part or - (turns to Oliver) you got the gig? Wake up! Move! Do something!
Still mesmerized by their phones, Oliver and Miley stand up from their seats and switch places on the couch.
OLIVER
There!
MILEY
Happy?
LILY
It is times like these I thank my lucky stars I have no talent.
MILEY
(placing phone on lap) I didn't get the part. That's why Howard hasn't called me. He doesn't have the guts. Or - he's having problems with his guts and he's in the bathroom. Poor Howard. (picks up phone, roughly) Call!
OLIVER
You know, I sing great. Mr. Meadows is just jealous. He's jealous that he doesn't have my talent and you know what they say, "those he can't sing, teach".
LILY
Hey, maybe I should be a teacher.
Both Miley and Oliver's phones begin ringing.
OLIVER / MILEY
Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!
LILY
Answer the phone!
The two of them answer the phone and walk off in opposite directions.
LILY
Hey! I'd be a good teacher. Supportive, fun. But no talking back! That is unacceptable. Unacceptable I say!
MILEY (On phone)
Yeah, I totally understand. Thanks for the call.
Lily walks over; assuming Miley did not get the part.
LILY
Ohh..
MILEY
I got a callback! I'm meeting Rob Reiner!
LILY
Whoa! (the two of them join hands and jump around in a circle) Yay, yay, yay, yay!
Oliver walks in.
OLIVER [On phone]
Yes sir. I completely understand. Thanks for the call.
MILEY / LILY
Whoa! (they skip over to Oliver) Yay, yay, yay, yay, yay, yay!
MILEY
Why aren't you jumping?
LILY
Why aren't you yaying?
MILEY
Why aren't you jumping and yaying?
OLIVER
(disappointed) I didn't get it.
MILEY
(seriously) I'm sorry Oliver.
Oliver turns away, sitting on the couch.
LILY
It's OK, Oliver, there'll be other dances. (they join him on the couch)
OLIVER
I know, it's just, I wanted this so bad and I really thought I had it.
Miley places her hand over his shoulder.
MILEY
I know how you feel.
OLIVER
No you don't Miley. I mean, seriously, when was the last time Hannah Montana wanted something that she didn't get?
He breaks free of Miley's comforts and starts pacing around.
MILEY
Oh well there's that one time that .. oh know I got that. (rises) Oh, oh, I remember this one time that I ... no, I broke the house record there. Oh, I was so devastated when ... that turned out great.
Lily taps Miley on the back and hence Miley turns back.
LILY
You're not really helping.
OLIVER
Yeah Miley, I mean, lets face it. You get everything you go after.
Oliver begins to walk away.
MILEY
Hold on ... when, when did this become about me?
OLIVER
I don't know, it's just, I mean ... you know sometimes being around all your success kinda makes me feel ...
LILY
Like a failure?
OLIVER
I was going to say bad.
Lily looks away guiltily.
MILEY
I'm sorry Oliver, I would never do that on purpose.
OLIVER
I know, I know. I'm not saying it's your fault. I'm just saying ... Miley, it used to be a lot easier hanging out with you when I didn't know your secret.
Lily stands up.
LILY
Did I mention I want to be a teacher?
MILEY
Oliver, you're acting like you don't even want to be my friend anymore, thats crazy.
OLIVER
I dunno. I gotta go. (he walks out)
MILEY
Do you believe him? He's acting like I get everything I want.
As Miley turns to sit on the couch, Robby walks in with a large framed image of Hannah Montana with statistics written on the side.
ROBBY
Yeh Doggies! Mile! Your album just went double platinum! (begins to jump up and down) Yay, yay, yay, yay!
***
Miley is pacing around in the Stewart living room with her phone to her ears, just as Robby walks down.
MILEY
Come on Oliver, pick up! Argh. Oliver!
ROBBY
Mile! That's the tenth time you've called him. Just give the boy some space, he'll come around.
MILEY
Really?
ROBBY
Well, we can only hope. I mean, the truth is, there are no guarantees in life. Some friends come in your life for a reason ... others only for a season. Hey, that's good! I think I got the beginnings of your next hit!
MILEY
Daddy, I don't need another hit, I need Oliver. But if you just want to tinker around a little bit, I won't stop you! (her phone rings) Daddy, it's him!
ROBBY
(as he picks up his guitar) That's great, that's great. If he says anything heartfelt or painful, let me know. And if it rhymes, all the better! (he walks out onto the deck)
MILEY
(answering phone) Oliver! Hey, I'm so glad that you called.
Cuts to Lily and Oliver sitting on a table outside Rico's shack.
LILY
It's me, hold on. Oliver, stop this and talk to her!
OLIVER
(picks up phone) Hi, I can't talk right now. (hands phone to Lily) There, I talked to her.
LILY
What's it going to take to make you feel better? Miley not getting the part?
OLIVER
Yeah Lily, like that would ever happen.
LILY
Oliver, I swear if you don't talk to her -- (reaches for soda) This is going down your shirt.
OLIVER
Well then I guess it's going down my shirt because I'm not talking to her.
Lily gives Oliver a deathly stare before we cut back to Miley -- who is sitting on the couch waiting for a response on the other end. She hears Oliver shivering in shock with ice going down his shirt.
***
Miley and Lily, disguised as Hannah and Lola, are standing outside Rob Reiner's casting office. Hannah is dressed in diva clothes.
LOLA
Are you sure you want to do this?
HANNAH
No. But Oliver's so miserable what choice do I have? (Lola hands her a stuffed pokadot dog) Now get ready for the best acting performance of my life. Lola. The door ...
Lola opens the door and after doing her final warm ups, Hannah enters the room.
HANNAH
Rob! Darling!
ROB
Hannah, I've been looking forward to meeting you.
HANNAH
Why isn't he standing? I entered, didn't I?
ROB
Is she serious?
Lola confronts Rob.
LOLA
Please! Just do it! She has my mother.
ROB
You want me stand, I'll stand. Nice to meet you.
Rob puts out his hand to shake with Hannah, and Hannah does so hesitantly as Lola retreats to her side. After they have finished shaking hands, Hannah holds it back out to Lola.
HANNAH
Sanitize me!
Lola squeezes some soap onto Hannah's hand.
ROB
Great, another well adjusted hollywood actress. Can we, can we, sit!
HANNAH
Pillow me!
Lola sharply places a fluff pillow on the chair for Hannah to sit on.
LOLA
Pillow ma'am!
Rob rolls his eyes as Hannah takes her seat.
ROB
Maybe we should just read.
HANNAH
Oh that would be great. First I just have a few notes on the script. (Lola hands Hannah the script) Note number one -- (she chucks the script in the rubbish bin under Rob's desk)m
ROB
You didn't like it?
HANNAH
"Fade In"? How many times has that been done before?
ROB
I thought it was pretty good.
HANNAH
Haha! Well. That would explain your shirt.
Lola gives off a fake laugh and turns to Rob.
LOLA
(to Rob) Laugh! Please Laugh.
ROB
I'm not gonna laugh! She trashes my script, she insults my shirt, and ... and what is with that stuffed dog!
HANNAH
(gasping; offended) Stuffed! Captain Cuddles is a real dog! Real I tell you! (rises)
ROB
Listen, Hannah --
HANNAH
No, you listen, meathead! You insult Fluffy ...
LOLA
Captain Cuddles!
HANNAH
AKA Captain Cuddles ... (sits on his desk) You insult me! Now apologize. (holds out dog) He's waiting.
ROB
I've never spoke to a stuffed animal in my life! Except my Aunt Esther at Thanksgiving dinner. Talk about a rodent of unusual size!
HANNAH
You don't want to work with me? That is your loss sir. (she heads for the door) Lola, the door!
Lola opens the door for Hannah.
HANNAH
Come on, Sparky!
LOLA
AKA Fluffy, AKA Captain Cuddles.
HANNAH
Zip it! I have your mother.
Hannah walks out, and Rob calls after her.
ROB
You got the part!
Hannah walks back in.
HANNAH
Hot shot Hollywood director say what!
ROB
You really had me going there for a while. But that commitment you made to that whole diva thing ... that is exactly what I'm looking for! Welcome aboard ... Indiana Joannie!
HANNAH
No, no, no, no. See I ... am really wacky. One minute I'm fine and ... and the next, I'm pouring iced water down your shirt.
ROB
Oh come on, like you would do that.
HANNAH
Lola.
Lola hands Hannah a plastic cup of ice -- and as we cut to the door we hear Rob shivering in surprise of the ice.
***
At Rico's Shack, while workmen are cutting down trees, Jackson is playing with his dummy, while Rico is trying to do his homework.
JACKSON
Hey Franklin. What did one wall say to the other? (puts on dummy voice) Meet you at the corner!
RICO
Hello! Doing homework here.
JACKSON
Hello! Rehearsing here. Hey Franklin, tell the kids how you make time fly.
RICO
If x + seven = 6 x y ...
JACKSON
[dummy voice] You throw the clock out the window!
RICO
Hey Franklin, do you want to know how to make a dummy fly?
Rico takes the dummy and chucks it in the air -- it lands in the tree shredder. The workmen watch on with interest.
RICO
Woops!
JACKSON
Yeah! Well your little 'woops' just cost me three hundred bucks. Cough it up.
RICO
Oh, about that. My (____) are kinda frozen at the moment.
JACKSON
Why?
RICO
(shamefully) I didn't eat my vegetables.
JACKSON
What?
RICO
(shouting) I didn't eat my vegetables, OK! I'll make it up to you, don't worry.
JACKSON
Yeah. You will. And I know exactly how.
***
At Doug's birthday party, there are two workers from Rico's Shack holding a curtain closed to an audience of children.
JACKSON (V/O)
And now, the amazing Jackson Stewart and his little friend Franklin!
As the audience applaud, the employees open the curtain to reveal Jackson sitting on a chair with Rico dressed up as a dummy, sitting on Jackson's lap.
JACKSON
Hey kids! I heard it's somebody's birthday. Where's Dougie?
A child in the front raises his hand.
JACKSON
Alright! Say, Happy Birthday Franklin!
RICO
Happy Birthday Franklin!
The kids 'boo' at the joke.
JACKSON
Oh Franklin, you big silly. Which reminds me. You ever wonder why elephants are so wrinkled?
RICO
No. Why are elephants so wrinkled?
JACKSON
You ever tried to iron one! Whoa!
The audience repeat their 'boo' of annoyance.
RICO
You're dying here.
JACKSON
Ha! Everybody's a critic. (he pats Rico hardly on the back) And, speaking of critics, what did one wall say to the other?
THE CHILDREN
Meet you at the corner!
RICO
And he calls me the dummy!
The kids laugh.
RICO
OK Franklin ... um. How do you make time fly?
RICO
Not by listening to you. You stink!
Once again, the kids laugh.
JACKSON
What are you doing?
RICO
Making laughs. Which is more than you're doing, loser!
As Rico pulls Jackson's bow tie, the kids chime in a laugh again.
JACKSON
Stop it! You. ... you little rascal. Doing the water bit.
RICO
No.
JACKSON
(shouts) We're doing the water bit! Hey kids Franklin is going to sing happy birthday while I drink some water.
RICO
Or I can just do this. (Rico taps the water cup and the water pours down Jackson's shirt)
The kids laugh.
JACKSON
Oh you are so going to get it later.
RICO
And you're going to get it now!
Rico tackles Jackson onto the ground and jumps on his back. The kids echo laughter.
JACKSON
Want a hit? Keep going!
RICO
My pleasure!
Rico pushes Jackson over to the beach entrance and pushes him down. He presents himself to the kids before Jackson pulls him down. The kids applaud the show.
***
Lily is holding Oliver by the hand dragging him onto Miley's porch. He has a blind fold on.
OLIVER
I can't believe I'm going to meet Taylor Swift!
LILY
Aha.
OLIVER
When can I take off the blind fold?
LILY
Um not till we're inside. You know she doesn't want anyone to know where she lives.
Lily rings the doorbell and Oliver takes off his blind fold.
OLIVER
This is Miley's house!
Miley steps out with a sorrowful expression on her face.
LILY
Miley! I've never seen you so down. What's wrong.
MILEY
I ... I just can't talk about it. (she starts to fake cry)
OLIVER
I'm outta here. (he walks off. Lily drags him back)
LILY
Something terrible must've happened. Let's go find out. (she drags Oliver inside after Miley) Miley. Talk to us please!
MILEY
I didn't get the part.
LILY
Ohhh! (she shakes Oliver's hand to signal for him to feel sorry for her)
MILEY
Which would mean that I falied ...
LILY
Ohhh!
Miley puts out her arms for Oliver to hug her.
LILY
Looks like somebody needs a big hug right now.
After a moment Lily pushes Oliver into Miley's arm. Miley gives a cheesy grin as she embraces him. Lily pushes his arms on Miley's back.
OLIVER
(releases himself) OK You know what! Miley I'm sorry you didn't get the part. I mean let's face it. You'll get the next part. And the next one after that. And I'm not sure I can be around that anymore.
MILEY
What! (he begins to walk out. Miley follows him) I poured ice down Rob Reiner's shirt for you and you don't know if you can "be around that" anymore?
OLIVER
You what?
LILY
She gave up the audition Oliver.
OLIVER
You what!
MILEY
I gave up Indiana Joannie so you would stay my friend.
OLIVER
You what!
MILEY
But if you say 'you what' again. Ice water's going down your pants.
OLIVER
Well thanks a lot!
MILEY
OK I'm lost. What's the problem now?
OLIVER
Miley I'll tell you what the problem is. I mean how am I supposed to walk away from someone who would do something like that for me?
MILEY
(smiling) I guess you're not?
The two of them share a hug.
LILY
Ohhh!
MILEY
So you promise you won't get upset the next time I get something and you don't?
OLIVER
Sure I will. And it'll be hard ... but you know not as nearly as hard as loosing a friend like you.
LILY
Double ohh.
OLIVER
You gave up the part of a lifetime for me?
MILEY
I know.
OLIVER
Miley this could've made you a movie star.
MILEY
I know.
OLIVER
And you know what I just heard that Kase Cross took up his offer as Eddie.
MILEY
I ... huh?
OLIVER
Nothing! Friends. Hug? (Miley and Oliver hug and Miley talks to Lily)
MILEY
Get Rob Reiner on the phone now!
LILY
Already on it.
Lily raises phone to ears. Miley pats Oliver on the back.
***
Rico is sitting at the counter at the Shack doing his homework. He hears a dummy voice from behind him.
FRANKLIN
Rico ... (Rico looks away. Franklin the dummy pops up from behind the counter) Rico! Why did you do this to me?
RICO
Very funny Jackson.
FRANKLIN
Jackson's not here.
RICO
Yeah right. Jackson ...
He leans over the counter; Jackson is not there.
RICO
Oh boy!
As Rico walks away Franklin tackles him down to the ground and the two engage in a fight. Jackson walks down and sees them rolling around.
JACKSON
Rico! What are you doing?
RICO
(rising) He attacked me!
Jackson reaches for the crippled Franklin.
JACKSON
Wow. Somebody's got a guilty consciouses.
Jackson chucks the dummy in the bin.
JACKSON
Later dude.
He walks off. As Rico cleans himself up the dummy pops its way up from the bin.
FRANKLIN
Round two?
RICO
You're going down Chucky!
Rico jumps in the bin after the dummy and we hear screaming as round two begins ...
